This Card Game Is Probably the Reason My Partner and I Started Dating

Small talk is near the top of the list of things I loathe, somewhere between cleaning my toilet and expressing my puppy’s anal glands. Given that it’s the way most first dates go, my distaste for—and admittedly, ineptitude at—small talk has long felt like an obstacle in my romantic life. After all, the weather, work, and weekend plans are all common conversation fodder.

So when Instagram first served me an ad for Where Should We Begin? A Game Of Stories ($40, amazon.com), in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn’t help but wonder: Could a card game designed to prompt meaningful conversations about family, values, sex, and more take me and my dates below the surface, rescuing me from mindless small talk? I can tell you now that the answer is yes.

Since introducing the game to my dating life two years ago, first date banality has been replaced with depth—even when meeting people I didn’t go on second dates with. I also credit the game with putting my now partner and I on the fast track from the talking phase to the forever stage.

The game, explained

Where Should We Begin? was created by psychotherapist Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, author of two New York Times bestselling books (The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity) and host of the podcast the game is named after. “It’s a storytelling game,” she tells SELF. Each round of the game invites the participants to talk about more than celeb gossip or sports, and instead share one of the stories of their life, Perel says.

The gameplay is similar to Cards Against Humanity. Inside the rectangular 12-inch by 4-inch by 2-inch box—which fits perfectly inside my go-to date tote—is a pack of 200 cards. But rather than sporting salacious statements and crude one-liners, the cards in Where Should We Begin? pose unique conversation prompts.

Some of the cues, like “My latest crush is…” and “The first time I masturbated…” are similar to questions you’d ask friends at a sleepover growing up. Others, like “Monogamy is…” and “The taste of power makes me…” are downright existential. Finally, some cards are straight-up horny, encouraging players to chat about their past experiences in bed, sexual needs, and desires or kinks. (These cards are conveniently marked with a pink triangle, so the game can be tamed to suit the audience.)

How to play

Per the instructions, all players (the game recommends two to six) get dealt a hand of seven “prompt” cards. The remaining cards become the “draw” pile. Next, the starting player—dubbed the Storyteller—rolls a die that says things like “share something risky” and “share what you wouldn’t tell Mom” on each of its six sides.

Each player chooses a card from their hand that they think best aligns with the die’s prompt and places it face-down on the table. The Storyteller then collects these cards, shuffles them (for the sake of anonymity), lays them all out on the table, and picks one to answer in front of the group.

When they’re finished sharing, all of the used cards get discarded, players replenish their hands by drawing a card, and the player to the Storyteller’s left becomes the new Storyteller. The game continues indefinitely (there’s no winner).

Personally, I’ve played by the book just once—in other rounds, I’ve bent the rules, with help from other players. Sometimes, we each choose five cards we’d like to answer, then shuffle our selections together before having each other pick from our customized deck. Other times, we sit together and peel card after card off the top of the deck, deciding together whether to answer it or move on.

For what it’s worth, Perel herself does just that and encourages other players to use the cards in a way that feels fun and natural for them: “I may have created the rules, but I almost never follow them,” she says.

From prompts to passion

The first time I brought the game on a date, I packed it in my overnight bag along with the rest of my essentials (baby blanket, barely-there condoms, toothbrush, and hair brush).

The story: Three days into talking, I learned the couple looking for a third who I’d matched with on Feeld lived a five-hour drive away. Whether it was the sunk cost fallacy or genuine attraction to each other that kept us chatting through the distance, I don’t know. But one month after being matched, we’d arranged a sleepover. Desperate to avoid small talk with the duo, I packed the cards—just in case.

It might sound bold to bring a game like this on a first date, but relationship experts cosign the idea. “Conversation games can be a great idea early on, as they’re designed to facilitate connection and can help bypass the awkwardness of initial conversations,” says sex and relationship therapist Katherine Hertlein, PhD, LMFT, expert with Blueheart and professor in the couple and family therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas School of Medicine. “They also help bring up topics that might not come up naturally but are essential for understanding each other,” she tells SELF.

Turns out, the first date of a wannabe throuple is as susceptible to small talk as a two-person meetup is. At the third mention of the July heat, I whipped out the game. Immediately, we transitioned from run-of-the-mill chatter to deep conversations about values, wants, regrets, and more. Sure, that might sound heavy—but it was also incredibly intimate.

Even the couple, who had just celebrated their five-year anniversary together, learned something new about each other. Perel says this is common: “I’ve been married to my husband for decades, but I hear new stories about his life each time we play.”

After one of the prompts invited the three of us to talk about sex, which led to one of the hottest group sex experiences of my life, I knew this game would accompany me to all of my future first dates.

First date debates

The next time I found myself sitting across from a right swipe, I brought my handy game out once again. One card (about infidelity) was all we needed to shift from bland gab into a passionate discussion. Through this debate, we learned that our romantic relationship values just weren’t compatible.

Learning information like this allows you to gauge whether you and a potential partner have the same goals, or if there are significant differences that might impact your future together. It’s one of the main benefits of having deeper conversations, like the ones the cards encourage, early in a relationship, according to Hertlein. After all, who knows how long it would have taken for us to discover these incompatibilities otherwise?

Notably, while we didn’t mesh romantically, the depth of the conversation set the foundation for us to have an amicable friendship. These days, he’s one of my go-to texts when I want to get philosophical with someone.

Finding my forever date

The latest person I played the game with? Well, they’re now my partner—and will be for a long, long time.

When a DM slide turned into texting, and eventually nonstop texting, I saw an opportunity to introduce the card game early—albeit virtually. “I want to get to know you. Play a conversation card game with me?” I messaged, before I explained the rules. Every day after that, I’d send them photos of a smattering of cards, we'd each pick one for us to answer, and the conversation would flow (and flow, and flow).

This particular setup helped keep us both from feeling pressured to answer any one specific question, which Hertlein says is key for keeping the game fun. Early on in dating, nobody should feel interrogated or coerced into talking about more than they’re comfy with, she says.

It was through these prompts that I learned we were on the same page when it came to adventure, finances, and family—and also that we can maturely communicate about topics we aren’t perfectly aligned on.

These days, my partner and I keep the game on our coffee table (yes, we live together now!), and we reach for it whenever we’re craving connection. We also pull the game out during hangouts with friends when we need some levity. As Perel says, “you don’t have to always pick the most vulnerable card—you can always pick one that will make you laugh.” And cards like “The best prank I’ve ever pulled off…” and “The most expensive mistake I’ve ever made…” do just that.

Bottom line

Anyone who’s as sick of small talk as I am or who’s interested in learning more about the people in their life will find value in Where Should We Begin?

While this isn’t the only conversation card deck on the market—see Table Topics and We’re Not Really Strangers for a few examples—the breadth and depth of the Where Should We Begin? prompts set it apart. In my opinion, it’s the quality of the questions that makes the card game well worth the $40 price point.

Ultimately, I believe my partner and I would have found other ways to lay a strong foundation and build our love, had this card game not existed. But it definitely helped accelerate our connection—and now, the game’s mere presence in our common spaces reminds us to continuously talk about more than the weather and what’s for dinner.

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