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Aside from its potential to be incredibly hot, a cool thing about anal penetration is that anyone can receive it, anatomically speaking. And thanks to the ingenuity of sex toy creators, it’s also possible for anyone to give it—yes, we’re talking about strap-ons! Wearing a dildo to bang your partner from behind, or pegging, can help you both uncover a new world of feel-good possibilities.
“Pegging” was first coined by sex columnist Dan Savage in 2001; the term initially referred to a cisgender woman using a strap-on to anally penetrate a cisgender man. It’s since been adapted by some sex educators to mean any person using a dildo to penetrate someone who has a penis in the butt, Gigi Engle, COSRT-registered sex and relationships psychotherapist based in the United Kingdom and lead intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun, tells SELF.
Anatomy aside, this kind of strap-on anal sex can allow for a fresh power dynamic or kinky role reversal in the bedroom, or even just a different kind of pleasure (if you’re new to back-door play). Keep reading to learn all the nuts and bolts of pegging, from the spark it can set to your sex life to the mechanics of suiting up and plugging in.
Why you might find pegging super hot
The fact that pegging involves anal penetration may be reason enough to give it a go. Your butt is “full of nerve endings, specifically around the anal opening,” Engle says, “so you don’t really have to do deep penetration to activate the anus.”
And let’s not neglect the other feel-good region you can access via pegging—the prostate (or P-spot), which is linked with intense orgasms. You can really get at this zone by using an angled dildo, so it presses on the front part of the recipient’s anal wall (similar to how a person with a vagina might use a curved toy to access their G-spot).
Beyond the physiological upsides, though, pegging may just be a novel sex act to you—which can be erotic in its own right, Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sexual and relational communication professor at California State University, Fullerton, and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast (she goes by Dr. Tara), tells SELF. After all, some adventure and freedom can feel super arousing if your typical routine has gotten a little same-old, same-old.
Of course, for plenty of people, pegging is just typical sex. For others, though, it can feel subversive, given it challenges the (very hetero) standard of a man penetrating—and taking control over—a woman. As Engle points out, there’s a “fun power exchange” that can happen. And beyond being a huge turn-on, feeling like you’re doing something taboo or super risqué can even cement your bond with a partner, Dr. Tara says: It becomes your little secret to share (*winky face*).
At the same time, it’s important to note that there’s nothing inherently naughty about pegging. And the longstanding perception of anal as something dirty or wrong unfortunately keeps plenty of people from doing it and experiencing the full extent of pleasure that’s possible for them, Evan Goldstein, MD, New York City–based anal surgeon and author of Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between, tells SELF. So just remember: If the “wrongness” of pegging gets you off, then great—but there’s zero actual shame in doing or enjoying it.
This act puts a person with a penis in the receiver role, which is typically thought to be solely the purview of women and gay men. “For men who are perhaps not extremely comfortable with their sexuality, it may feel uncomfortable being associated with any kind of homosexuality,” Dr. Tara says.
But the reality is, where you like to be touched on your body has absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality, Rachel Wright, LMFT, New York City–based psychotherapist and sex educator, tells SELF. (Nor does it say anything about your gender, for that matter.) Pegging is simply one way to explore pleasure.
How to try pegging during sex
Like any partnered sex act, pegging requires enthusiastic consent from all parties—which means you’ll want to broach the topic with your partner when you’re not half-naked and about to bang. To get into it, Dr. Tara suggests starting with a positive note about your sex life and then posing a question: “Have you heard of pegging?”
If they haven’t, take the opportunity to educate them (you can use this article!). Then Engle suggests sharing what about pegging, exactly, is so appealing to you—whether it’s the power-play part or gender-reversal aspect, the butt penetration, or something else entirely—while also inviting them to consider what they might get out of it.
If they have heard of pegging, but they express disinterest, you can gently ask why that is, Engle says. And if the answer has anything to do with their sexuality (“Doing butt stuff is gay!”), she says you might respond with something like: “You’re right that men who have sex with men are often having anal sex, but it’s not the anal part that makes it gay. It’s the fact that it’s two men who are having sex with each other.”
The point isn’t to convince your partner; no means no. At the same time, Engle adds, you can certainly probe their reasons for resistance with empathy, and help them explore whether they might be letting societal taboos get in the way of their own pleasure.
You’ll need both a harness and a dildo, which both experts suggest buying individually and at an IRL sex store with your partner, if possible. This way, you can slip on harnesses for size and comfort (you can typically do so over your clothing) and get a good look at all your options for dildos.
On the harness front, you want to be sure it fits snugly over your pelvis and the straps don’t dig, Dr. Tara says. The dildo should be made of a body-safe material (like medical-grade silicone or stainless steel) and ideally waterproof, she says. You also want to look for one with a flared base, which will help you secure it to your harness.
As for the size? It’s best to start small, Dr. Tara says. You have to ease the butt into accepting a toy (more on that below), and going too big too soon could cause pain—which is the last thing you want to do.
The first time you or your partner has a toy in the butt definitely shouldn’t be while getting pegged by a dildo—or you won’t get very far. “The anus is a set of muscles, so it needs to be trained to naturally stretch and open so that you don’t cause pain,” Engle says. (Because, to be clear, butt stuff should never hurt.)
To loosen up those muscles and keep them from clenching at the first sign of entry, Engle recommends using an anal dilator set, like the one from Future Method (a brand cofounded by Dr. Goldstein), which includes three dilators of graduated sizes. The idea is that you practice inserting the smallest one for a couple weeks, then switch to the medium, and finally the large. Ideally, your or your partner’s booty is able to accommodate at least a medium dilator or plug before it’s time to pop the pegging cherry.
Yes, there’s always the chance that shit happens. But so long as the receiver poops within a couple hours of getting pegged, it’s unlikely that they literally crap on the dildo because poop isn’t actually stored in the rectum (where anal sex happens) unless it’s about to come out, as SELF previously reported. Little traces of poop, though, can hang around the region, so it’s a good idea for the peg-ee to take a pre-sex shower and give their butthole a gentle scrub, Engle says. And go ahead and put down a towel (or, better yet, a sex blanket) before you get going.
The more relaxed the recipient is once you start pegging, the better, Dr. Tara says. Any tension can cause the butt to tighten up and make getting anything in there feel like, well, shoving a square peg into a round hole (metaphorically, at least). That’s where a soothing sensual massage comes into play. Ideally, you take the time to go full-body, but if you’re working with a shorter timeline, at least get your hands into their back and butt muscles.
You can also get them going down there—giving them a hand or blow job, or doing anything else that typically turns them on is fair game at this point. “When we are fully aroused, it makes any sexual experience better,” Engle says.
You’ll want to move your fingers in the direction of their butthole to prime them for the dildo to come. Dr. Tara suggests spending at least three to five minutes massaging the anal opening, potentially adding in a rim job (a.k.a. anal oral) if you’re into that. It’s all in the name of relaxation, so there’s less likelihood of a butthole that locks up and refuses entry.
This is also where you can get into some slow digital penetration. Try inserting your index finger one to two inches and making a “come hither” motion in the direction of their belly to stimulate their prostate, Dr. Tara suggests. (Just make sure your nails are trimmed short!) As you’re doing this, you’ll want to keep the communication flowing—which certainly doesn’t have to feel like a chore. With the right tone, asking them if it feels good and if they like what you’re doing can be a form of dirty talk.
“You want to be sure that you’re using all the lube in the entire world,” Engle says, on both the toy and anus. The butt, unlike the vagina, is not self-lubricating, so in order to avoid a rub-and-tug situation, it’s mandatory to BYOM (bring your own moisture). Silicone-based lubes are typically ideal for anal because they have a very slick consistency and won’t dry up over time, like water-based ones can—you’ll just want to avoid a silicone lube if you’re using a silicone dildo, since it can degrade the material.
Once you’ve slathered the dildo in lube, Dr. Tara also suggests doing a hand job motion on the toy to warm it up. Because there’s nothing like an air-conditioning-chilled toy in the butthole to shock those sphincter muscles into a spasm.
When it comes to pegging positions, there are tons of options. Engle recommends starting with missionary: The person being pegged is on their back with their legs spread and the pegger is on top, allowing the recipient to see what’s going on and connect with their partner face-to-face. You can also go for all-fours (doggy style), Dr. Tara says, which allows for easy entry (you can open up your partner’s cheeks) or a position where you each lie on your side, the pegger coming in from behind.
A reality check: You’re not going to be riding your partner the first time you try pegging. It should be more like a slow pulse to avoid anal tearing. “The person who is being pegged is in charge of the depth and speed,” Engle says. That means you both need to keep the comms coming: The pegger should continue to ask, “Is this okay?” “Do you want me to go in more or less?” and so forth, Dr. Tara says.
If you’re being pegged, focus on taking deep belly breaths, which can help you relax your anal muscles. “If something feels uncomfortable, stop and take a break,” Engle says. “Then you can assess whether you want to keep going or try something else.” And if you’re pegging your partner, tell them how hot the experience is for you, Dr. Tara says.
In any case, it’s essential to “be compassionate with yourselves and understand that it might not go amazingly the first couple times,” Engle says. The best way to get better is to practice—and what better excuse to have more sex?
The concept of aftercare—a post-sex practice that involves tending to each other’s feelings and bodies—comes from the world of BDSM, but it can be a good idea in any sexual context, especially when you’re trying something new that may be “emotionally fraught,” Engle says. She recommends taking a shower together or, if you pegged your partner, perhaps setting up the bathroom with some extra-plush towels or their favorite body wash or candle, so they can enjoy washing off solo, if they’d prefer that.
You can also just cuddle and give each other back rubs, or even talk through the things you liked (or didn’t) to gauge how you might try pegging again in the future. Regardless of how the experience went, Engle says, aftercare is a worthy step for “reestablishing your bond and making sure that everybody’s feeling safe and secure.”
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