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Miley Cyrus wasn’t talking about an orgasm when she sang, “Ain’t about how fast I get there”—but she might as well have been. Don’t get me wrong: A quickie can be super hot and fun. And yet, I’d bet money you wouldn’t describe your most powerful orgasms as “rushed.” So much of the deliciousness of an orgasm is in the buildup, and with the sexual practice of edging, you basically dial that anticipation up to 100.
“Edging is intentionally delaying orgasm by bringing yourself or your partner to the edge of climax and then backing off before orgasm happens,” Casey Tanner, LCPC, a New York–based psychotherapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and the author of Feel It All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship With Sex, tells SELF. At first, that might seem incredibly agonizing—or wildly cruel, if you’re doing it to someone else—but the idea is that you edge once or a few times before hitting that O. And the pleasure of the experience isn’t just about the finish—it’s the cliiimb.
Why edging can lead to more intense orgasms
It’s the ultimate tease! And if you’ve ever been teased in bed, you know it can leave you begging for more. “The delayed gratification can create more intensity when that orgasm finally arrives,” Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sex and relationships expert at Womanizer and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, tells SELF. It’s kinda like how you might plan a date night for Friday on Monday so you have something to look forward to all week—getting excited about something can actually dial up your experience of it. “We know that dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, is present in higher levels in the brain when you’re anticipating a reward versus receiving it,” Dr. O’Reilly says.
It’s also tougher to get distracted with thoughts about how your body looks or whether your neighbors can hear your bed squeaking (been there) if you’re in the throes of almost coming but not quite coming yet. That requires a level of focus that grounds you in the present and keeps you from racing toward the finish line, Dr. O’Reilly says. Often, we learn to orgasm in secret—we’re hiding, rushing in the hopes that we don’t get caught, she says. “That becomes ingrained, but edging can help change those grooves.”
The more times you edge with a partner, the longer the sex lasts, too, which can be another bonus (particularly if either of you feels like you tend to finish too quickly). And the energy created between the people involved can feel incredibly intimate. “A partner needs to get pretty attuned to your body in order to successfully edge you,” Tanner says. “That process of connection, in and of itself, can make sex more enjoyable, whether or not there’s an orgasm at the end of it.”
So long as it’s done consensually, edging with your partner can also set the stage for a spicy power dynamic: Maybe one person isn’t “allowed” to orgasm until they’ve edged, say, three times, Tanner says. It’s an easy way to raise the stakes in an otherwise routine sexual encounter.
And physiologically speaking, edging can help ensure you’re as aroused as possible before you hit your orgasmic peak. “You’ve taken your time, you’ve stimulated more areas, and you’ve increased blood flow and nerve-ending awakening across the body,” Dr. O’Reilly says, which primes you to come in the biggest, boldest way possible.
How to try edging yourself or with a partner
The tricky thing about edging is, it’s a Price Is Right situation: You want to get close enough to orgasm that the tension and heat are there, but not so close that you finish right away. This requires really knowing your body and potentially being able to communicate what’s happening within it to your partner. And that’s why Tanner recommends you explore edging yourself first, so you can get a sense of “what it feels like when you’re about to hit that peak,” she says. (This way, if you want to try it with a partner, you’ll be able to guide them back down before it’s game over.)
As with any new sexual foray, it’s important to get consent from your partner if you’re planning to edge them, Tanner adds. For some people who have anxiety around sex or relationships—say, if a previous partner made you think you’re unworthy of pleasure—edging can feel confusing or frustrating, she says: “Even if it’s consensual, if somebody is about to make you orgasm and then withdraws, it can trigger negative emotions.” If that happens, it doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong, but it may mean that edging isn’t the best technique for you or your partner—which is also totally okay.
If, however, everyone involved feels comfortable with edging, read on for some tips on getting to the verge of orgasm again and again…until you (or they) can’t wait any longer. Whew!
A sex toy! A finger! A penis! Whatever either of you’d typically use to get off, just get into it, Tanner says. The idea is to gear up the body and start that trek toward O-town.
This is the important part: Right before you hit that peak, you want to tone things down. (If you’re edging your partner, it’s helpful to agree beforehand on what they’re going to say to let you know it’s time to pull back, Tanner says.) That might look like touching more slowly or gently or hitting that negative button on your vibrator and lowering the setting.
Or, instead of shifting how you’re touching, you could change where: Maybe you were rubbing your clit, and now you explore your G-spot, or you were touching your partner’s penis or vulva so you switch to their perineum, Dr. O’Reilly suggests. In any case, the point is to lessen the pressure on the most aroused zone of your or your partner’s body.
A word of caution: It’s not the best idea to stop stimulation altogether, Tanner says, because it might take you out of the moment. (You’re not trying to halt a sexy thing in its tracks so much as slow your roll.) If any sexual touch feels like it’s going to bring you to the point of orgasm, Tanner recommends pivoting to a sensual massage instead. Floating your hands along your hips or thighs, or having your partner use a massager on your back can feel good and keep you engaged.
Once you feel your arousal meter dipping down or things chill out for your partner, you’ll know you can start increasing the stimulation again, Dr. O’Reilly says. As for exactly how long to keep things calm before you get going? It depends on how your body reaches orgasm and what kind of edging experience you’re going for.
“You might choose to only have 15 to 60 seconds between periods of stimulation, or there are people who will drag this out over a whole day [with their partner], with several minutes or hours in between sessions,” Tanner says, “because the way that it changes their communication throughout the day can be really fun and playful.”
You might inch toward an orgasm, scoot back down the sexual mountain, and then hit the summit on your next round. Or you could go up and down 10 times before you peak. There’s no exact number of cycles you need to aim for, Tanner says. The only thing necessary to qualify a sexual experience as edging is not going straight for the O on the first go.
One thing you might experiment with as you flex your edging muscle is getting slightly closer to your climax with each round: For example, if an orgasm is a 10 on a scale from 1 to 10 (in terms of how damn good you feel), you might go up to a seven, and then down to a three; up to an eight, down to a four; up to a nine, down to a five, Dr. O’Reilly suggests. You’ll up the ante even further and experience an orgasm that really blows your mind once you give yourself permission to go there, at long last.
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