Sure, having sex can be a lot of fun (especially if it’s really good). But for some people, choosing to put their hookups and love life on hold can be just as fulfilling—and celibacy spells are definitely having a moment.
Technically, “the word celibate historically has a religious connotation,” Emily Jamea, PhD, LPC, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Houston, tells SELF. “But it’s become a more popular term now that people are using it to describe what’s really a short period of abstinence.” Celebs like Julia Fox and Lenny Kravitz, for instance, recently revealed they’re done with sex—at least for now. And you might have seen a slew of headlines about TikTok’s #boysober trend, which is basically a rebranding of a not-new concept: taking a hiatus from exhausting dating apps and messy hookup culture as a form of self-care.
So, more folks are talking about sex-free living—but can removing banging from the equation really boost your well-being and happiness? According to Dr. Jamea, “There can be tons of benefits to trying a temporary abstinence spell to reassess your sexual and relationship values—as long as you’re using this time constructively.” Without the distraction of dating, you can prioritize your own needs and learn to love yourself, for example. Or maybe you’re going through a bad breakup, in which case a few months (or years) of no frisky business may give you space to process unresolved feelings. And if you’re the type to jump from one toxic fling to the next, a little pause can provide a chance to look at your patterns and set healthier standards for future relationships, Dr. Jamea says.
Of course, how much sex you do (or don’t) want is completely up to you. But in case you're curious about this whole celibacy thing, we talked to seven people about what inspired their time off.
I didn’t feel good after casual hookups or friends-with-benefits situations.
I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and quickly found myself in a situationship. Once that ended, I felt awful and empty, which inspired me to take a break from dating and dating apps altogether for about six months.
During this time, I reflected on how I felt about hooking up more generally, and I realized that I never loved being physically intimate outside the context of a serious relationship. I enjoy sex when I feel safe, emotionally connected, and committed with a partner—friends with benefits and situationships don’t give me that (which I recognized once I had the chance to reexamine my priorities). —Rahsheen F.
It was up to me to break the cycle of attracting the wrong people into my life.
I decided to be abstinent for a bit because I wanted to work on the relationship I have with myself first—specifically, by learning how to set strong boundaries. That way, I could be the healthiest and happiest version of myself for my future partner.
I tended to put my unresolved issues on the back burner because I thought another person could fix them. But the truth is, the only one who can heal you is you. For example, you can’t expect someone else to make you confident, and you can’t expect to be in a secure relationship when you’re constantly insecure about yourself.
Through this experience, I learned to enjoy my own company, love myself inside and out, and fill my own cup more and more each day. —Mandana Z.
I needed space to focus on my mental health.
Almost a year ago, I decided to take a break from sex—just for a little while. At the time, I was in therapy, processing some complex trauma from my childhood. In order to heal, I knew I needed at least a few months to focus solely on myself. So, I decided that temporarily refraining from any dating, relationships, or sex would help me do that (since I often used these things to distract myself from dealing with uncomfortable emotions). I did this for about five months, and I honestly believe that having that time to simply prioritize me, myself, and I was game-changing for my healing journey, as cliché as that might sound. —J
After two divorces, I want to be alone for a bit and find happiness within myself.
I used to rush to the bedroom and felt sex clouded my judgment. But now, after having gone through two divorces, I want to work on being alone and finding happiness within myself instead of relying on a partner.
This choice was an easy one that I don’t regret. It’s enabled me to find joy and purpose outside of who I’m dating. Most importantly, I’m a single father with joint custody and not having the distraction of seeking or maintaining another relationship has allowed me to make the most of what time I do have for my kids. Plus, my future lady deserves the best of me: I know that whoever she is, she already appreciates that I’m spending this in-between time wisely—and that’s comforting. —C
It wasn’t worth the physical pain and stress to be intimate with just anyone.
I’ve had various issues with sex throughout my life. I was brought up in a household where it was something you only did once you were married, and I was sexually abused as a teenager. Also, it was physically painful for me—which I recently learned wasn’t normal after seeing a gynecologist, who diagnosed me with hypertonic (tight) pelvic floor. I also have endometriosis, which can also make intercourse hurt.
I’ve made a choice to avoid sex until it feels right. I’m understandably wary of men, given my history, but I’m hopeful that I’ll eventually find someone decent who makes me feel comfortable and safe. For now, I’m happy to not be experiencing pain, and I’d say a vibrator does a way better job in the meantime than a man ever could. Sorry, not sorry. —L
A breakup inspired me to reflect on what I truly deserve in my love life.
My abstinence journey started after a difficult breakup around three years ago. The relationship left me feeling disappointed—not just with my ex but also with myself. I realized I had settled for something less than I deserved, and I understood that to attract someone who truly valued me, I first needed to value myself. That meant honoring my inner voice, keeping my promises to myself, and holding myself accountable for my choices.
Celibacy was a way to step back, gain clarity, and figure out what I truly wanted, not just what I thought I “should” want. For me, it was a powerful tool for self-discovery: By choosing to focus on non-sexual aspects of connection, I had the opportunity to think about what traits and qualities matter most to me. This period also helped me see if a potential partner appreciated me as a whole person, and I believe someone’s willingness to connect outside the bedroom can be a strong indicator of their intentions and character. —Chinya A.
After a decade of dating, I was still feeling unfulfilled.
Following the end of a particularly short-lived romance, I thought it was best to leave the prospect of sex out of anything that wasn't long-term. There was no specific person who inspired the decision—I just realized that after nearly 10 years of casual dating, my experiences were less fulfilling than I wanted them to be.
This break ended up being a wake-up call: It became clear that most of the people I was seeing didn’t really care about my pleasure. They weren’t invested in making sure both parties were enjoying themselves, and I felt disgusted thinking about being objectified for so long. I just wanted to stop feeling used after sex that ultimately wasn't even satisfying.
I don’t know that my dry spell was some great magical fix to all life’s problems, but I definitely don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time either. I’m still celibate now and plan to remain so until I find a long-term relationship that’s fulfilling. So far, I have yet to come across someone who exemplifies consideration and care to the degree that I expect and deserve. —Siobhan M.
Related:
- 7 People Share How They Discovered Their Partner Was Emotionally Cheating
- What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives
- How to Deal With Being the Only Single Person in Your Friend Group
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