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Words can certainly hurt—but so can the absence of them. If you’ve ever had a partner pretend you don’t exist mid-argument or stop talking until you take all the blame, you understand what we’re talking about. The silent treatment might seem petty and childish (because it is), but it’s far from harmless. “It can be a manipulation tactic and, in some cases, a form of passive, emotional abuse,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, psychologist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, tells SELF.
To be clear, we’re not referring to stepping away for a breather after a heated disagreement or holding your tongue to avoid saying something you’ll regret. “Asking for space to regulate your emotions is different from the silent treatment,” Dr. Kelley says. “Because the intention is to eventually come back and discuss what happened when you’re both ready.”
When someone handles conflict by ignoring their partner or reacting with the short but devastating “K,” however, that can be red flag-worthy for a few reasons. First off, it’s unproductive: “People need to communicate in order to solve problems,” Dr. Kelley says. So if one person refuses to even make eye contact, it becomes nearly impossible to actually address whatever issue you’re dealing with.
More importantly, though, shunning your partner can be a subtle way to control, confuse, or punish them—which, yes, can count as emotional abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. That’s because this tactic is often used to sneakily pressure or guilt someone into doing things they may not want to, like apologizing first, dropping an issue (even when they’re not ready), or making grand gestures (like buying dinner) just to “earn” back the perpetrator’s affection.
“Essentially, the silent treatment is a type of neglect,” Dr. Kelley says. (And, to be clear, this form of manipulation isn’t limited to romantic relationships; it can happen with friends, family, or in toxic work environments too.) “By acting as if someone isn’t there, you’re almost dehumanizing or not even recognizing that this person exists,” which, she adds, is bound to make anyone feel rejected, exhausted, and insecure in the relationship.
The silent treatment isn’t always abusive, but it’s still a really shitty way to communicate. So how should you respond if you’re on the receiving end of this passive-aggressive behavior? Below, Dr. Kelley shares her top tips on what to do (and not do) when you’re being iced out, so you don’t get stuck in a cycle of anxiety, stress, and confusion.
The best ways to respond to the silent treatment
“Nothing will be resolved if both of you decide to stop talking altogether,” Dr. Kelley says. Of course, if you want some distance (or are too pissed to have a proper conversation right now), that’s fine. At the very least, just be sure to communicate your needs—by letting them know you’re taking a walk to calm down, say—so they know you’re not simply ignoring them or playing mind games.
When you’re met with a loved one’s cold shoulder, it’s tempting to do whatever it takes to break that awkward silence and restore some normalcy. Maybe you’ll say sorry over and over again (even if you’re not sure what for), hoping they’ll open back up. Or you’ll shower them with attention in the form of back-to-back texts and calls.
The problem with giving in, however, is that “placating bad behavior doesn’t encourage change,” Dr. Kelley warns. In other words, the more you feed into their toxic habits (and give them exactly what they want), the more likely they are to keep weaponizing the silent treatment against you.
There’s a chance your partner may not realize how much their lack of communication is affecting you—which is why it’s so important to express your feelings. One helpful way to do this is to stick with “I statements”: By focusing the conversation on your feelings (rather than accusing or blaming them), “they’re more likely to open up and want to talk,” Dr. Kelley says.
Start by describing the specific behavior that’s hurting you (basically, that they’re snubbing you). Then, explain how this makes you feel and what you need from them. For instance, you could say something like, “When you give me the silent treatment, it makes me feel so neglected. I’d prefer if you would just tell me what’s bothering you so I don’t have to guess.” Or “I see you’re purposefully ignoring me and that’s making me upset. I’ll let you have some space now, but let’s talk about this in an hour.”
“It’s also crucial to calmly stand your ground and reinforce your concerns without being swayed or influenced,” Dr. Kelley says (even if that means repeating yourself like a broken record). How they respond—whether it’s with empathy, understanding, or a condescending glare—can reveal a whole lot about how much they value your well-being and the relationship, she adds.
It’s great to share how you’re feeling right now but it’s equally important to set up a game plan for handling things better, so you can avoid these harmful communication hiccups during future conflicts. Instead of just shutting down and refusing to talk, you might agree to use phrases like, “I need a moment,” for example, or revisit the topic after [insert however many minutes or hours works best for you as a couple].
If, despite your best efforts, they’re still giving you the cold shoulder or downplaying your concerns, it might be time to reconsider the relationship, Dr. Kelley says. You and your significant other should be a team, working together to resolve problems—not resorting to childish, possibly abusive behaviors that are only going to drive you apart.
Related:
- Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Here’s What Couples Therapists Think
- How to Stop Crying When You’re Angry or Upset With Someone
- Are You Dealing With a Narcissist or Just a Selfish Jerk?
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