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Sex isn’t everything in a healthy relationship, but for many couples, it matters—a lot. Constantly hearing “I'm not in the mood” when you’re horny and ready to go can do a number on your self-esteem. On the flip side, it’s normal to feel bad about repeatedly saying no and potentially disappointing someone you love.
Over time, mismatched sex drives can cause distance between partners. But whether you’re the person who wants it more or less, rest assured that being out of sync in the bedroom doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed, Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Maple Grove, Minnesota, and the co-author of Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, tells SELF. There’s no "right" amount of sex that applies to every couple, and a low libido can be caused by stuff that has nothing to do with attraction—like stress, medication side effects, and hormone fluctuations.
Even though it’s common for your drives to be at odds sometimes, that doesn’t make the situation any less frustrating. The hornier partner might feel undesirable and start questioning why someone who’s supposed to love them keeps rejecting their flirty advances. And the person with the lower libido may experience guilt and anxiety about failing to meet their partner’s expectations, Dr. Fogel Mersy says.
That’s why it’s important to address this issue before resentment builds up. Everyone’s relationship and sexual needs are unique, but hopefully the expert tips below can help you find that happy (and hot) medium.
1. Build up to sex.
Not everyone gets turned on by the same things, Jennifer Vencill, PhD, AASECT-certified sex therapist at the Mayo Clinic and assistant professor of sexual and gender health at the University of Minnesota, tells SELF. “Some people experience spontaneous desire, which is what most of us are familiar with. It’s when arousal emerges, well, spontaneously and easily, without much effort,” Dr. Vencill says. There’s also “responsive desire,” which arises as a reaction to a specific situation or stimuli. Usually “this type of desire takes more time and intention to build up,” she adds
Understanding this difference can be a game-changer for navigating mismatched drives and working towards a more satisfying sex life for both of you. For instance, if you’re experiencing spontaneous desire, you may want to jump straight into fingering, fondling, or penetration. But getting down to business right away probably won’t feel right to someone who needs kissing and other types of foreplay first.
To bridge these conflicting types of arousal, try setting the scene slowly, perhaps with some sexy music, sensual massages, or a little flirty, dirty talk. By gradually creating a horny vibe, it’s more likely that the person who wasn’t initially in the mood will naturally get there, leading to more effortless, enjoyable fun for all, Dr. Vencill says.
2. Block out one-on-one time.
Tension is bound to occur when one person wants to bone twice a week, for example, and the other prefers once a month—which is why scheduling sex, say, once every 10 days (or whatever makes sense for you) can be a helpful compromise, Ken Howard, LCSW, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Gay Therapy LA in Los Angeles, tells SELF.
In most movies and TV shows, sex happens spontaneously and organically. So the idea of penciling in an hour-long romp may sound unromantic, to say the least. Instead, Howard recommends blocking off certain days or evenings for potential naughty fun. (Think of it more as an opportunity to let the moment unfold naturally vs. mandatory banging.)
This might look like reserving Saturday evening as a date night: You can start with a nice dinner and then return home for one-on-one time. “The specifics of what you do in the bedroom don’t have to be planned out,” Howard says. (In other words, you don’t have to start kissing promptly at 8 p.m., then go into touching, fucking, and, finally, a mind-blowing orgasm.) Perhaps you’ll watch a spicy rom-com, which may lead to a hot scene of your own. Or maybe you’ll opt for a relaxing—yet equally sensual—naked cuddle instead.
3. If you’re the hornier one, redefine what counts as intimacy…
It may not be realistic (or fair) to expect your lower-libido lover to be up for multiple rounds a week when they’re not feeling it. A better and more practical approach is to focus on finding a compromise—yep, even if that means you can’t do it as much as you want to.
One helpful strategy is to “explore different ways to meet your underlying intimacy needs, so there isn’t so much pressure on the sexual act itself,” Dr. Vencill suggests. Maybe that involves spending quality time together through cozy movie nights or steamy showers so you can feel more connected. Or you could ask your partner for occasional compliments to boost your self-esteem, or lean into other kinds of physical closeness, like hugs, kisses, and handholding. These are just a few alternative ways to maintain a deep bond—so you’re not solely relying on sex for intimacy.
4. …and if you’re the one with the lower drive, discover your turn-ons with solo (or mutual) masturbation.
Maybe you’re not as eager as your partner to get busy. In that case, Dr. Fogel Mersy suggests reflecting on (and experimenting with) what turns you on. Masturbating independently (a.k.a. in a judgment-free environment) can be a safe and fun way to ID what sensations make you squirm with pleasure—and what you may want to skip—so you can communicate these preferences and boundaries with your SO.
Even though turning yourself on can be satisfying and exciting on its own, it doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You can also bring your SO into the mix to make your self-pleasure routine more of a shared experience. “If one person isn’t up for full-on intercourse, they might be more comfortable having their partner there while they masturbate,” Howard says. Or try getting off separately while lying next to each other. That way, each of you can pleasure yourselves without the stress of trying to match the other’s tempo or expectations, he explains.
Not to mention, mutual masturbation can be a win-win: The person with the lower libido will likely feel less anxious savoring the sensations on their own terms—while the partner with the higher drive can relieve pent-up sexual tension without needing someone else to do the dirty work.
5. Just talk about the elephant in the room.
If a desire gap is bothering you enough that you’re reading this article, it’s important to be honest and have an open, respectful, and nonconfrontational conversation with your partner, Howard says. This, he explains, can prevent mild frustration from spiraling into full-blown resentment (or worse, a breakup).
“It’s important to be gentle, as this can be a really sensitive subject,” Dr. Vencill says. (If you’re not sure where to start, these tips should make the discussion a little less awkward.) Some more suggestions from Howard: Use “I statements” to express your concerns (“I feel insecure when I’m the only one initiating. Can we have a check-in?” vs. “You aren’t putting in the work to make me feel desired”). Listen to and validate each other. And whatever you do, don’t blame or shame with criticisms like, “You never want to have sex—this isn’t normal!” or “Ugh, can you just stop being so horny all the time?”
After telling your partner what’s on your mind, you might naturally come up with solutions together. Maybe you’ll decide to employ one or more of the suggestions above, or call in a pro and try couples therapy. On a less hopeful note, your chat could reveal that your sexual incompatibility unfortunately can’t be resolved—in which case, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. However, Dr. Fogel Mersy says, in her experience as a sex therapist, a disconnect on banging frequency alone rarely spells the end: “More often than not, people are able to meet somewhere in the middle once they actually address the discrepancy head-on.”
So think of your mismatched libidos as less of a problem and more of a project that you and your partner can work on together—with some patience, effort, and teamwork.
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