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If you’ve recently given birth, the words “horny” and “new mom” in the same sentence might sound like a not-so-hilarious joke. Regardless of whether you’re a first-time parent or you’ve been around the baby block, those initial few months with a newborn are notoriously rough on your sex life.
Every relationship is different, as is every birthing person’s experience recovering from labor. But it’s normal to feel fatigued, overwhelmed, and totally touched-out in the postpartum period—with not a speck of your old sex drive in sight, Sherry Ross, MD, ob-gyn and author of She-ology, tells SELF. “The physical healing process, combined with the hormonal storm associated with the ‘fourth trimester,’ is challenging and stressful,” Dr. Ross says.
Even if you have a relatively “easy” and uncomplicated birth, your body will need plenty of time to recover, she adds. Then there’s that hormone roller coaster you’re riding: After labor, estrogen and progesterone levels drop dramatically. This shift can lead to mood changes like the very common “baby blues,” which around 50 to 80% of new mothers experience, as well as postpartum depression, a more severe mental health condition. All of this—plus the fact that you’re caring for a highly demanding tiny person 24/7—can add up to record-low sexual desire, Lee Phillips, EdD, a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist based in New York City, tells SELF.
Just know that you’re not going to be sexless and covered in spit-up forever. “Once your body heals and there’s a decrease in postpartum symptoms, this is an excellent time to get curious about sex,” Dr. Phillips says. With that in mind, here’s some expert-backed advice that can help you tap into your horny side—and remind you how important it is to give yourself grace as you recover from this seriously major thing your body just went through.
1. Make sure you’ve given yourself enough time to recuperate—for real.
You’ve probably heard that you can safely get busy again six weeks after giving birth. And this is true—sort of. There are no official guidelines about postpartum sex, but many experts do recommend waiting about that long, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) notes. And if you feel fabulous and ready to go by that time, by all means, go for it! But for many new moms, this benchmark should be viewed as the absolute bare minimum, according to Dr. Ross.
“I don’t think six weeks is enough time to get your sexual capacity back to pre-baby days,” she says, adding that it often takes her patients six to nine months to fully heal physically (from things like perineal tearing and pelvic floor pain) and achieve hormonal stability, both of which help you feel in the mood. While that’s not to say you have to wait that long before having sex, you shouldn’t feel pressure to do it before you’re truly ready—or like you’re failing in some way if you’re not up for it at that six-week mark.
Most importantly, make sure you give yourself time and space to recover. As part of this process, it’s critical to check in regularly with your ob-gyn (or family physician—or whoever you saw for your prenatal care appointments). The ACOG recommends an initial checkup within the first three weeks after giving birth. Then you should make at least one more follow-up appointment with this provider by 12 weeks, the org advises: At the second appointment, your doc will do a full assessment of your physical recovery, check in on how you’re feeling emotionally, and discuss topics like contraception, birth spacing, and how to manage any chronic conditions you might have.
It may sound a little unsexy, but all of this is key to helping you feel like yourself again, which in turn will get you to a place where you’re ready to have the kind of mind-blowing sex you did in your pre-baby days.
2. Prioritize non-sexual self-care.
Maybe you feel physically ready for sex but aren’t quite there yet mentally. That’s more than understandable: It’s hard (make that impossible?) to feel hot when you’re a zombie from waking up every three hours at night to feed your baby (then spending another hour each time shushing them back to sleep).
Not only is it tricky to find time for intimacy with your partner while simultaneously caring for a newborn, but it’s normal to lack energy or interest in getting naked when a moment does present itself. “New moms often desire a good night of sleep more than a good night of sex,” Dr. Ross says. If you can relate, she suggests asking people in your support system to help you prioritize the basic stuff—proper meals, chunks of restorative sleep, a bit of baby-free time to yourself if you can swing it.
For example: Are there things your partner can do to help you feel less fatigued? (Some new parents create a “night shift system” to allow each person to get longer stretches of shut-eye.) Is it possible for you and your significant other to share the baby-care load more equitably? (Maybe the non-birthing parent can become the designated bottle- and pump-part-washer.) If you’re single, are there other people you can reach out to when you’re feeling overwhelmed, such as a family member or babysitter?
More help across the board equals more time for self-care, giving you space to recover and maybe get your libido back too. Plus feeling supported can be a huge turn-on: “Having your partner meet your other needs first can put you in the mood for sex,” Dr. Cobb notes.
3. Have an open conversation with your partner about the state of your sex life.
If the thought of actually having sex still feels a little overwhelming (even after taking the advice above), start super slow: by just talking about it. Not only can this help you feel more ready for action, but it makes reigniting the heat a collaborative effort. “It’s important that your partner take some responsibility for helping you to get into the mood—this isn’t all on you!” Kelly Culwell, MD, ob-gyn and former medical officer for the World Health Organization, tells SELF. “Think about what would help you feel relaxed and open to sexual activity and don’t be afraid to ask them to do these things,” Dr. Culwell recommends
Dr. Phillips suggests sitting down with your S.O. to chat about how you want your sex life to look in this new stage. A few possible convo starters: Some of the best-ever sex you had before kids, things that get you excited (are there new positions or activities you want to try?), as well as anything that makes you feel anxious (are there parts of your body you definitely don’t want touched right now?). If you’re mourning something about your before-baby sex life or life in general (like having virtually no free time anymore) be honest about that too.
These intimate conversations might turn you on in the moment (or maybe they won’t, which is also okay!). But if nothing else, they’ll encourage closeness with your partner—and this connectedness can help open the doors for the real thing once you are ready, Dr. Ross says.
4. Explore different kinds of touch.
Maybe you used to jump right into sex, but it’s normal if you now find it a little difficult to mentally switch from “mom mode” to carnal goddess—especially if you’re trying to quickly take advantage of small windows of time, like your baby’s naps. Starting with slow touches and more foreplay than you may have needed in the past can help, Christie Cobb, MD, FACOG, a board-certified ob-gyn in Little Rock, Arkansas, tells SELF. “Responsive desire”—feeling aroused after being touched—“may take longer when you are exhausted, but it is worth putting in the time to focus on pleasure before moving toward direct genital stimulation or penetration,” Dr. Cobb says.
To that end, she recommends focusing on what feels good in different erogenous zones and not just the obvious ones—your neck, lips, and lower back count too. (Can we interest you in a sensual massage?) And don’t overlook simple acts of touch like a shoulder rub, scalp massage, or back scratches: This kind of non-sexual foreplay can boost levels of oxytocin, the “love hormone” that makes you feel connected and relaxed, which in turn can prime you for the sexier stuff.
5. One word: lube.
If you don’t already have one stashed in your bedside table, invest in a good lubricant now. “Lack of lubrication decreases pleasure for both partners, and this is literally the easiest problem to fix,” Dr. Cobb says.
Many new moms feel extra-sensitive down there during those first few postpartum sex sessions— that hormonal roller coaster you’ve been on can make the vaginal area a little dry and you may also be dealing with lingering soreness—so choosing a formula that’s free of common allergens such as flavor and fragrance, can help you avoid irritation, Dr. Cobb says. Also in that better-to-skip category are lubes marketed as being “tingling” or “warming,” she adds.
Just remember that you can still get pregnant in the first few months after giving birth (yes, even if you’re breastfeeding and haven’t gotten your period again yet). So if you’re not ready for another baby and are using condoms as your birth control method, make sure to avoid oil-based lubes like coconut oil, which can cause condoms to break.
There’s no question that these first few months postpartum are challenging for even the most in-sync couples, but remind yourself that this is a season of life—and one you’ll be on the other side of before you know it. “Babies grow up; eventually they become adults and move out of the house,” Dr. Cobb says. In the meantime, she adds, you and your partner have an opportunity to strengthen your communication muscles and rediscover how you want to be intimate—and that can help keep your relationship rock-solid (and hot) for the long haul.
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