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The thing about telling someone that you’ve been such a bad girl or that you want to bang their brains out is that you have to do it convincingly for it to be hot. And learning how to wildly exaggerate how you feel or put on a new persona is, of course, an entire career path. So assuming you’re not a professional actor, how do you talk dirty without feeling like you’re bombing an audition for a poorly written porno?
Rest assured, getting slick with it takes practice. “Dirty talk is a language like any other,” Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles–based sex educator and the sex and relationships expert at Bumble, tells SELF. And becoming fluent requires a lot more than memorizing common phrases you’ve heard in sexy shows or movies, she says.
The good news is, learning to say naughty things with gusto is fun. And it can dial up the intimacy and sexual connection you feel with a partner, Gigi Engle, a UK-based COSRT-registered sex and relationships psychotherapist and the lead intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun, tells SELF.
Ready to sound like a natural conversationalist in bed? Here’s how to find your personal dialect of dirty talk, according to the pros.
How to feel more comfortable and less cringey with dirty talk
If you’re a total dirty talk newbie (welcome!), it helps to expose yourself to some of this language in action, so you have a jumping-off point. Boodram recommends listening to spicy audiobooks or audio erotica, for example via Quinn or Dipsea.
While you might pick up some phrases that you like, the goal is more so to get a sense of how dirty talk unfolds—everything from tone to context to timing. “You’re arming yourself with an arsenal of tools,” Boodram says. “You’re not just thinking, I really want to call this person a dirty slut and waiting for the right time to say that; instead, you’re [developing] a Rolodex of language you can apply depending on the situation.”
Saying dirty things to a partner without having ever spoken the words is like performing a role without having rehearsed the script—you’re bound to wind up a little tongue-tied. That’s why Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, an associate professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, Fullerton, and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast, suggests getting vocal in front of a mirror. It might feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, the more confident you’ll become, she tells SELF. Simply saying dirty phrases out loud can help you better perceive yourself as someone who talks like this, Dr. Tara says, so it doesn’t feel so out-of-place when you lay it on a partner.
Having a casual chat about dirty talk (when you’re not about to bang, to be clear) can serve two purposes: making sure it doesn’t come out of left field when you do use these kinds of words in bed and that you’re on the same page about what’s dirty in a good way. One person might think it’s superhot to be told that they deserve to be punished, for instance, while for another, such language might be a huge turnoff or even make them feel unsafe, Boodram says.
The same goes for using particular names; some folks might get off from being called a whore or bitch or brat, whereas for others any of these words can be triggering, Engle says. So if you’re thinking of denigrating a partner or if you don’t want to be labeled a disparaging term yourself, it’s best to communicate that in advance so everyone’s boundaries are clear.
You’ll also want to share any sexual fantasies that you might reference (more on that below!), so your partner has context for why you’re telling them, for example, that you’re picturing all your friends watching you hook up, Engle says. (John Eros, a UK-based audio erotica star for Sssh.com, tells SELF his most-listened-to stories involve exhibitionism or being watched—a fantasy that’s easy to act out with just words.)
Your texts can be a fantastic testing ground for IRL dirty talk: You get the benefit of time to think through what you’re going to say and how to respond, Engle says. It’s also much lower stakes—you can try out something a little more adventurous, and if it doesn’t quite work the biggest risk is that you get left on read, Boodram says, versus potentially ruining a moment if you’d said it aloud in bed. In this way, sexting is also just a good method for figuring out what you like to hear or say. You might not actually know what will resonate—or not—until you experience it in context, and it’s better to test those limits over text than while having sex, she says.
Firing off texts whenever and wherever also makes it easy to build your dirty repertoire with a partner. Once you have this current of “taboo eroticism” baked into your everyday chitchat, Dr. Tara says, it’ll only feel natural to get a little filthy in bed too.
Going from silence to seducing a partner can be a big leap; as a stepping stone just try getting a bit vocal, Engle says. That can sound like moaning, sighing, or just saying, “That feels so good.” To be clear, she adds, you don’t have to restrict yourself to whenever you actually feel the desire to make a sound: “It’s okay to ham it up a little bit.”
After all, the words are often less important than the energy you’re giving off. “Enthusiasm is the name of the game,” Engle says. “When your partner feels like you’re happy to be there, it’s good sex.” And making some noise is one way to get that across.
How to figure out what dirty phrases to say
As the name implies, dirty talk can be derogatory or even politically incorrect—but it certainly doesn’t have to be, Dr. Tara says. Anything said with the express purpose of turning a partner on can count, even sexual praise.
Raving about their body or talent in bed may feel like an easy way in because, well, most people love compliments, Dr. Tara says. For instance, if you’re giving someone oral sex, saying something like, “You taste so good” can absolutely drive them wild. The same goes for sharing how much you enjoy having sex with them—for example, “I love it when you’re rough with me,” or “I get really turned on when you grip my thighs,” or “I find it so hot to think about you doing [insert action here] to me,” Boodram says.
Often, the sexiest dirty talk is a dialogue, and questions directly facilitate that. In fact, soliciting feedback is a great way to get into a lively flow. Easy starter options include, “Do you like that?”, “Does this feel good?”, and “What does that feel like?” Eventually, you might graduate to something like, “How does my [insert body part here] feel?” Dr. Tara says.
You can also use questions to drum up inspiration for what else you can say—for instance, “What is it that you want me to do to you?” or “What are you thinking about that’s turning you on the most?” can encourage your partner to reveal things you might use to really get them going, Eros says.
You can also just tell your partner what you want them to do—which doubles as a way for you to communicate your desires in bed (a great thing to do regardless of whether you’re using dirty talk). You can say something like, “Get your [insert body part] in my mouth,” or “I want to feel your [body part] deep inside me,” Dr. Tara says. Any version of “do this now” or “bend over” or “get on the bed” can feel super spicy.
It might sound basic, but just narrating your experience—how your or your partner’s body looks, feels, tastes, smells, or sounds—can level up what you’re doing. A general rule: “The more adjectives and adverbs you use, the dirtier the dirty talk becomes,” Engle says. So pretend like it’s a creative writing assignment in English class, and challenge yourself to get descriptive. For starters, words like wet, tight, throbbing, big, hard, warm are all fair game.
Once you’re comfortable talking to a partner about the sex you’re having—praising, directing, interrogating, describing—you’re ready to progress to an advanced level of dirty talk: Making shit up. This is when you get to put on your actor-for-the-night hat and create a scenario that feels hot to both of you.
You might play with dominance and submission (for instance, “You’re going to do exactly as I say,” or “My [insert body part] belongs only to you”). Or get creative with edging (like, “How does it feel knowing that no matter how close you get to coming I’m going to keep teasing you?”). You can also set up a fantasy where one person wields control over the other, like a fan worshiping a pop star or a patient in the hands of a doctor.
To keep things from feeling more like amateur theater than hot sex, though, focus on your partner’s pleasure when you’re coming up with phrases, versus what you’d actually say in any given role, Eros says. Maybe as their “doctor,” you need to do a full-body exam, but you probably don’t need to, say, go get a stethoscope.
Another option is to stick with something more realistic rather than taking on whole new personas, Eros suggests. For example, you might pretend that you’re being watched, that you’re hooking up in a conference room at work, or that you just met your partner that night at a bar. Thinking of what you might say in any of these scenarios opens up a new realm of playfully dirty possibilities.
What to do if the dirty talk doesn’t land
One of you could totally put your foot in your mouth—and it’s helpful to anticipate that from the jump by approaching dirty talk with compassion for yourself and your partner, Engle says. You want to be willing to take the risk that something comes out weird while understanding that “we’re all just trying to figure out sex and how to be hot,” she says.
If you get caught in an awkward silence prompted by something either of you said, it’s okay to just laugh it off. In fact, that’s an opportunity to bond and connect. “You should be able to share a moment with someone whether it’s the most erotic experience of your life or something that’s just a little bit funny,” Eros says.
It’s also possible, though, that your partner inadvertently says something that translates as confusing or uncomfortable to you—in which case you have two options. “If it’s really a record-scratch moment and you just don’t understand that person’s intent, I would stop and say, ‘That was not it for me,’” Boodram says. Especially if they’ve crossed a boundary, you want to pause so they can learn where they went wrong and remember that for the future. But if what they said was just a little off, “it might be in your best interest to roll with it, and then later on [once the sex is over], gently course-correct,” Boodram says. This way, they’ll be in a less vulnerable position to receive your feedback.
A little bit of cringe or cliché isn’t really something to worry about, after all. “This is not an Academy Award–winning performance that you’re trying to give,” Engle says. “You’re just trying to give people boners.”
Related:
- 5 Ridiculously Common Worries Sex Therapists Hear All the Time
- How to Get Out of Your Head During Sex So You Can Actually Enjoy It
- Why a Sex Journal Might Be Right for You—And How to Do It
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