All products are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.
When I was younger, my mom told me that when you’re in a relationship, you need to essentially date other couples to find a twosome you and your partner both get along with. I brushed it off, as teenagers do, and assumed my future spouse and I would be set in the social department: Obviously, I figured, we’d go on double dates with my best friends and their significant others.
I’ve since realized that making (and staying) friends with other couples is a bit more complicated than I expected—and, as hard as it is to admit, my mother was right. As Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a relationship therapist and owner of Three Points Relationships tells SELF, when you and your partner hang out with other duos, there are multiple personalities with different needs, wants, interests, and perspectives colliding. While you may dream about everyone hitting it off, as I did, there’s no guarantee that’ll happen.
It can take effort to find couples you and your partner connect with, but it’s absolutely worth it, Engler says. Having tight bonds with other pairs can make your own relationship stronger, research shows, and help you build a solid support network that can offer invaluable advice, outside perspectives, and an extra set of hands in the event of an emergency.
Okay, so we’ve sold you on double dates but you don’t know what to do or how to act? The below therapist-backed tips can help you find The Ones.
ID people with similar interests.
You first need to find people to hang out with (which, to be frank, might be the trickiest part). If you don’t already have some potential mate matches in mind, Engler recommends starting with a paired-up colleague you get along with, as there’s a good chance you’ve discussed their relationship and what they like to do on weekends. If you already have a sense of what they’re into, you can propose an activity that caters to their interests, Mary Tate, LCSW, a mental health counselor and owner of Tate Psychotherapy, tells SELF.
If you’re not feeling jazzed about hanging out with a coworker (I get it), consider hitting up environments focused on your lifestyle or hobbies—a playground if you have kids, a dog park if your pup’s the center of your lives (yup!), or perhaps a running, book, or bottle-sharing club (Meetup is a great place to search for local groups like this). Once you find people who like the same things you do, you can start doing those things together outside of the group setting, Engler says. (Tate also encourages clients to use Bumble BFF to make connections with other people who have partners; if they vibe, they pitch a double date.)
When it comes to asking your potential new buds out, you want to get specific and suggest concrete plans, Tate says. It’s easy to turn down invites when it’s a vague “We should get drinks sometime!” You’ll have a better chance of locking in plans if you ask if they want to join you at a craft beer festival in two weeks, for example, or book a table at drag brunch next Saturday.
Reflect on what your relationship needs—not just what you want.
When you make your own pals, you only have to think about what you want out of a friendship; you don’t really need to consider what other people, like your partner, think because it’s your friend, not theirs. Tate says this comes up a lot in her practice: People know, on an individual level, what makes a good friend, but they often don’t understand who’s the right fit for them as a unit.
Her advice: “Figure out what your relationship needs versus what you and your significant other need individually.” To that end, she recommends identifying what you enjoy doing together— since there’s a better chance that you’ll have a good time if you’re both into the experience. For example, I’m a huge introvert and love spending time in nature with one or two close pals. My husband, on the other hand, would love nothing more than to put on a jersey, head to a local dive bar, and watch a soccer game with a bunch of strangers.
We have very different social preferences, and we’ve learned how to play to that so I don’t end up grinding my teeth at a crowded bar. One of our all-time favorite double dates was hiking to a mountain-top brewery. I got to be outdoors and he got the celebratory IPAs—win-win. The key is to meet in the middle, Tate says, and pin down activities that pique each of your interests.
Be open-minded about the other people.
In a perfect world, you, your partner, and both people in the other couple would all immediately click. But, the more likely scenario—and one my husband and I have found ourselves in—is that you (or your S.O) will love one person and feel kind of…meh about the other. Engler says she often hears this from couples she works with: They have one night out, are unimpressed, and bail on the potential friendship. As she puts it, “Unfortunately, people jump ship quickly.”
Her advice: Don’t write the other couple off too quickly. If they’re straight-up rude or offensive, sure, that’s grounds for calling it quits—but give them a fair chance. “Not every friendship has to fit every piece of your life,” Engler says. “It’s okay if they’re not your very best friends.” Ask yourself: Can you be a little more flexible when it comes to getting along with these people? It’s easy to identify things you find annoying about others, she adds, “but give them the space to be imperfect.” Grabbing happy hour or hosting them for dinner every few months can still serve an important function (it can open your mind, strengthen your relationship, and, at the very least, get you out of the house.)
Try a mix of activities in and (way) out of your comfort zone.
My husband and I usually just go out to restaurants when we double date—it’s easy and requires little to no planning. But, if you’re just getting to know a couple, you might wind up in an awkward situation where you’re sitting across the table from one another, pulling teeth to keep the convo going. The fix, according to Tate: Choose an activity you feel really comfortable doing or plan an outing where you’re way out of your element.
If you and your partner love live baseball, ask another couple to join you at the next home game. Choosing environments you’re familiar with can reduce the social anxiety and awkwardness that can come up when you’re getting to know new people, Tate says. You won’t worry as much about messing up or acting “weird” if you know what you’re getting into, she explains.
On the other hand, it can be super beneficial to try something new, like a pottery class, say, or a pickleball clinic. Doing something totally random but entertaining and memorable can create a strong foundation for a friendship, Engler says. My husband and I recently went to Dave and Buster’s with another couple and played arcade games for a few hours. Were we the oldest people there? Yes. Did we spend way too much money on overpriced drinks and tickets? Of course. But we still giggle with them about how ridiculously silly the night was.
Partaking in novel experiences with your partner can make you feel more secure and satisfied with them, research shows. It also puts you in a vulnerable position, which can be a really attractive quality in a person, according to Tate. For example, you might ask your new pal for help on your pottery project or joke about how you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. “It gives you the opportunity to not take yourself so seriously, and a great way to connect with others is being able to laugh at yourself,” she says.
Invest “enough” time and energy.
If you want to become truly good friends with another couple, you need to put in the work. Engler says her clients frequently say they want to go out with other duos but they just don’t have the time. Her response: “If you want to make new friends, you can’t just want it and then not do anything about it.”
Research suggests it takes 40 to 60 hours to move from an acquaintance to a casual friend, 80 to 100 hours to be good buds, and upwards of 200 hours to be legitimately close. “Be prepared to commit some time and energy. The payoff will be so huge,” Engler says. (In other words, you probably won’t become super tight if you only see them a couple times a year.)
You also need to be present and engaged when you’re together. Couples who open up and talk about the deeper things in life are more likely to develop close friendships compared to those who stick to small talk, she adds. So, get curious and ask specific questions about their lives like: How did you end up in this line of work? Or, If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you go? This shows you care and are interested in them, which can fast-track casual friendships into tighter relationships, Engler says.
The point being: You have to make a solid effort. Sure, it would be sweet if your partner adored your best friend and their fiancée, but that’s not always going to be the case—you may have to branch out to find another couple you get on well with. If you’re lucky, like me, you might wind up beating a bunch of teenagers at laser tag with your new besties.
Related:
